No question Barry Bonds can wield a bat. But in light of new information attained through the National Security Administration who is reported to have "stumbled" across Bonds cell phone records, his next home run could be a ways off.
read more | digg story
Monday, May 28, 2007
BONDS TO BUSH: "YOU'VE GOT A DEAL"
No question Barry Bonds can wield a bat. In fact, Bonds will almost certainly break Hank Aaron's lifetime home run record of 755 before he retires (he's at 746 right now). But in light of new information attained through the National Security Administration who is reported to have "stumbled" across Bonds cell phone records, his next home run could be a ways off.
In an obvious show of insolence toward his ex-Bush cabinet hunting pals, ousted CIA director Stansfield Turner has confirmed rumors that Barry Bonds has, in fact, struck a deal with the White House to prolong his quest to eclipse Henry Aaron’s career home run record in order to take focus off of President Bushs catastrophic approval rating and the war in Iraq.
Stepping out of the downtown Washington D.C. ESPN Zone, sporting tank top and Orioles cap, Turner stated flatly, "Whatta ya blind? You saw the cut he took his last at bat. That had cover-up written all over it."
Speculation has been growing for months that Bush would have to pull a Clintonesque rabbit out of a hat if there is to be any hope for Republicans to maintain their moral stature in a country tired of killing people on foreign soil. In an early morning session before reporters, White House press secretary Tony Snow said, "obviously, our first aim is to cancel or postpone the 2007 Presidential election until further notice, but that might require an assist from the Supreme Court, I don’t know. Short of that we’re trying to buy time for the President to accelerate the imminent rebound of his approval numbers before the campaign trail spirals too far out of control."
Insert Bonds.
The perennial slugger and brooding hall of famer is off to his worst season since bear cub division in the Riverside Little League. That season he got two hits and one RBI in his first 35 at bats before missing the remaining 16 games with a pulled hamstring. "Factoring in his national popularity numbers", writes San Francisco Chronicle sports columnist John Shea, "Bonds has more in common with Bush this year than Bush would like to admit."
Bush, in fact, denied knowing who Bonds was. "I'm going to meet with my advisors to find out if I do know him, but its not looking good right now," Bush told reporters Tuesday on the White House lawn while preparing his barbeque.
With his federal grand jury investigation and Major League Baseball probe looming, its beginning to look less and less like Bonds the Slugger and more like Bonds the Deal Maker. "Naturally we have no official opinion on the matter, but it would seem that Mr. Bonds breaking the lifetime home run record is clearly more noteworthy than the Presidents foreign policy issues. Until further notice, its time to put the fun back in America." declared a confident Snow.
Meanwhile, in an increasingly familiar press conference scene following his Monday turn weeklong hitting drought at AT&T park an irate Bonds held nothing back, "I am no Cousin Tom."
When asked by one reporter if he didn’t actually mean Uncle Tom, Bonds quipped, "I don’t even care anymore. Whether you get it right or wrong, ya’ll are going to print whatever you want to anyway."
In a follow up to the Wednesday night spectacle, Thursday morning Bonds publicity firm resigned from representation of the occasional superstar. "We'll never forget the good times we had with Barry," said a dazed Daphne Newbrick of Doltish, Dotterel & Howe, "but there comes a time where you have to accept reality; and reality seems to be that we no longer have the extra personnel in our creative division to maintain the high profile imagery of Mr. Bonds."
The hunt for number 756 continues.
In an obvious show of insolence toward his ex-Bush cabinet hunting pals, ousted CIA director Stansfield Turner has confirmed rumors that Barry Bonds has, in fact, struck a deal with the White House to prolong his quest to eclipse Henry Aaron’s career home run record in order to take focus off of President Bushs catastrophic approval rating and the war in Iraq.
Stepping out of the downtown Washington D.C. ESPN Zone, sporting tank top and Orioles cap, Turner stated flatly, "Whatta ya blind? You saw the cut he took his last at bat. That had cover-up written all over it."
Speculation has been growing for months that Bush would have to pull a Clintonesque rabbit out of a hat if there is to be any hope for Republicans to maintain their moral stature in a country tired of killing people on foreign soil. In an early morning session before reporters, White House press secretary Tony Snow said, "obviously, our first aim is to cancel or postpone the 2007 Presidential election until further notice, but that might require an assist from the Supreme Court, I don’t know. Short of that we’re trying to buy time for the President to accelerate the imminent rebound of his approval numbers before the campaign trail spirals too far out of control."
Insert Bonds.
The perennial slugger and brooding hall of famer is off to his worst season since bear cub division in the Riverside Little League. That season he got two hits and one RBI in his first 35 at bats before missing the remaining 16 games with a pulled hamstring. "Factoring in his national popularity numbers", writes San Francisco Chronicle sports columnist John Shea, "Bonds has more in common with Bush this year than Bush would like to admit."
Bush, in fact, denied knowing who Bonds was. "I'm going to meet with my advisors to find out if I do know him, but its not looking good right now," Bush told reporters Tuesday on the White House lawn while preparing his barbeque.
With his federal grand jury investigation and Major League Baseball probe looming, its beginning to look less and less like Bonds the Slugger and more like Bonds the Deal Maker. "Naturally we have no official opinion on the matter, but it would seem that Mr. Bonds breaking the lifetime home run record is clearly more noteworthy than the Presidents foreign policy issues. Until further notice, its time to put the fun back in America." declared a confident Snow.
Meanwhile, in an increasingly familiar press conference scene following his Monday turn weeklong hitting drought at AT&T park an irate Bonds held nothing back, "I am no Cousin Tom."
When asked by one reporter if he didn’t actually mean Uncle Tom, Bonds quipped, "I don’t even care anymore. Whether you get it right or wrong, ya’ll are going to print whatever you want to anyway."
In a follow up to the Wednesday night spectacle, Thursday morning Bonds publicity firm resigned from representation of the occasional superstar. "We'll never forget the good times we had with Barry," said a dazed Daphne Newbrick of Doltish, Dotterel & Howe, "but there comes a time where you have to accept reality; and reality seems to be that we no longer have the extra personnel in our creative division to maintain the high profile imagery of Mr. Bonds."
The hunt for number 756 continues.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
